the coolest cover ever ?

i really like this cover . i dunno why . well , i do really. i particularly enjoy the guy third from right .
i like his skinny,bandy legs , his loosely buttoned fred perry tshirt and also the way he stands so staright and upright . this guy is a coooool guy .

i like the entire composition of the cover .
its a mocked up cop line-up , they are wearing balaclavas , they are all wearing black and i like the font .

i only recently managed to track this record down after about 9 years or so of trying to find it. it's a punk rock record from the early 90's from san francisco......now that may sound shit as a concept , but there is a wonderful energy within the grooves that is so infectious. these hard men get right under your skin.

it is a brutally produced record, but not in a bad way ....you can feel the electricity bouncing off the grooves.
i heard it drunk in a friend andy's living room about 10 years ago .....it had been a good night and as soon as andy put this record on i fell in love with it.

enjoy the cover .

the number 24 bus to chingford

i have decided to show you some of the lovely records i have ........but why keef ?

a. they have lovely covers/designs .
b. they have bad covers / designs.
c. they are great records and i insist upon telling you about them .
d. there is no d.

so who is the classy lady above keef ?

it is the very classy miss mandy smith . she was famous for shagging bill wyman back in the 80's.
the record is a 12" picture disc on pwl records.it is the home of the stock, aitken and waterman hit factory.
like other pwl records the production is uber flimsy ..........you could piss through this record (obv you could actually piss through th ehole in the middle actually) .
i first heard this on a compilation called 'balaeric beats vol 1' . the record is a 4/4 , house lite, dreamy, ethereal , whistful little tune with mandy panting , 'i just cant wait' over the tune .

hey mandy , what are you waiting for ?
are you waiting for bill wyman to come and hit you on the head with his bass ? are you waiting for the number 24 bus to chingford ? are you waiting for top shop to offer you our own classy lingerie range ?.................no , hang on mandy i know ...............
you are waiting for me .
you are waiting for me to walk into that photographic studio which you are sat in and take you away .....we could fly to the balaerics and lose our hearts and minds together on the dancefloors of ibiza..........we could settle down in a classy mock tudor mansion in essex somewhere - you' like that mandy , wouldn't you ?
problem is mandy......i dont like your lingerie, your hair and i suspect also your brain ......

mandy it could have been so special , but you blew it .

hotel motel..........holiday inn....say wha ?........ i say , 'oi keef , shut up ! and stop it ! '.

so , yeah , i spat bile about stuff that i have no control over ....eg other people writing their opinions on music...

so i thought , 'oi keef , why dont you write some shite about the rubbish you come across ?'...........
'a good idea' thought keef.

so this is that very thing....

i have a serious problem ..... like many others out there i am addicted to buying records.
*note that is vinyl not cd* (yes, i am a dreadful snob).

the affliction has been with me for a very long time now.approaching 25 years now.
during that time i have sold , rebought , resold and rebought the same records over and over again. once a record gets into yer head or heart , it is difficult to shake it off. i have passed thru many 'phases' and 'stages' in my musical education.
this has been most useful in building up an extensive 'library' of sounds.

i love looking at it , flicking through it , smelling it and of course listening to it . i do wonder of course - wot the fuck are you doing ? who is this for ? what purpose does this serve ? wot will happen to it when you fly off earth ,keef ?

well i hope someone derives pleasure from it once im no longer around. it has something for all moods....

if you feel tired - try nusrat fateh ali khan's 'mustt mustt'
if you feel happy - try the farmers boys 'in the country'
if you feel sexy - try donna summers 'love to love you baby'
if you feel ill - try brian eno's 'thursday afternoon'
if you feel like being a hip hop star - try public enemy's 'timebomb'
if you feel like dancing - try hardfloor's 'acperience'
if you feel heartbroken - try nancy wilson's 'the end of our love'
if you feel like angus young - try 'riff raff'
if you feel cold - try aphex twin's 'we are the music makers'
if you feel like being clever - try steve reich's 'music for 18 musicians'
if you feel like flying high - try miles davis's 'a tribute to jack johnson'
if you feel like rubbing dirt in yer back - try chris watson's 'outside the circle of fire'

and it just does not stop......................... you can do karaoke , sniff glue , imagine yer a train driver , pogo , boogie, fingerpop , bodypop or pretend you are a zombie all within the confines of my little musical 'library'.

its a hard addiction i have ......i am unable to pass a second hand , junk,charity shop the globe over without thinking ...'oi keef , they might have it inside...ya know ...that peter cook album youve been lookin for '........at times i give in and squat ,flickin thru plastic tubs of records whilst the air lies heavy with the smell of piss drenched clothes . its always worth it if you turn out a classic............my problem is ...i always turn up something...........so i thought i would tell you about some records i have bought in the last week........

....and theyre off....

blacksmoke 7" - jimmy kauty's (ex jamms/klf/brilliant/k foundation) xmas single from last year. hey jimmy - this is a collage of samples and a mash up style single . we get george bush chatting . all good fun...the flipside is more fun though ....it is deep purple's 'black night' rearranged and put thru the twisty turny remix machine.the word 'night' gets replaced with the word 'smoke' . nice effort james. 7/10.

sigur ros 12" - i had this lots first release on fat cat . it was nice . i sold it . i figured at that time i had enuff of that gear - bowery electric , amp , godspeed..........ya know ....very quiet ..then very loud ...shimmering walls of noise . i have a tendency to do things for a bit and then get bored of them .once a sound/style has been digested - i tend to get a bit bored. fickle i know but thats the reality.......so back to da 'ros....i heard them again recently whilst holidaying in wales with some friends....and very nice it sounded . so i bought this ...aint listened to it yet ..but i know its gonna be lovely. 8/10

funkstorung lp - its them remixing people like bjork and wu tangers...i did own this when it came out , then sold it ..saw it cheap ...and thought 'fuck it ..ave it my son'.so i know this one really. its crazzee business . madmen at machines. is it good ? is it bad ? did they drop their computers during the recording process ? maybe they poured tea into their macs whilst writin this shit.whatever they did...its good that they did it . like other weirdniks like matmos , burnt friedman etc ..its good these cats exist . madonna no doubt loves these dudes and will use em for her new skronk project..mad dronnoid . fair play madge .im with ya. nice artwork also. 8/10

dennis young/liquid liquid 12" - nyc punk funk ...oh fuck off....yeah yer right . fuck off . i like it tho. mr dennis was in liquid liquid . he da percussion man . he rocks the bells , the bongos ,the toms, the tims,the tams and the flims and the flams....remixed by french /jock madmen twicth and optimo . it da crazy ,head spinnin, eyes closed , head down on the modern , pointy haircutted dancefloors kinda gear. i play it in my attic and shuffle my balls in my jeans. nice testes dennis. 7/10.

le tigre 12" - lesbians with guitars . wahey . we love lesbians. i particularly like their acting in super hookers vol 5. they the good actors homes. le tigre are not in the movie - no bad thing , as there is only maybe 1 that you would hoof after a couple of bevvies.however...they make great music. i got all their shit. they rock . i dont think birds can rock . they can sing for sure , but playin instruments - im not so sure about. its jimi not jenny hendrix...keith not karen moon...etc...wots yer point keef ? i dunno . le tigre rock like clam lappin mogadons. they get their front bum squeezed here by a collective called 'a touch of class' and by mr diplo . this is nyc fashion week music . woohoo . pass the chips. 7/10

gorillaz 12" - a drum n bass remix of lovely new song 'dirty harry' by a man called chopper . i love the original and figured i'll dabble in the unknown .wrong answer keef - you prick . mr chopper has removed thee good bit - the twinkly keyboard loop bit . chooper you are off my christmas card list. you are a dildo. 0/10.

scott walker lp - a recent discovery for me . sure i know the walker brothers ...a bald chelsea left winger and a great kiwi runner right ? no way keef - youre wrong . oh yeah ...i am ...i know these dudes though. ..as i say , i heard them again recently and was blown away by mr scotts voice . i have since purchased several walker bros lps , so when i saw this staring at me from the junk store rack i thought ...yes siree bob - get in .....a lovely rekkud displaying mr scotts voice beautifully .........the bad news is...he is a recent discovery ....now begins the long arduous uphill climb of buying everything he has ever sneezed on (its part of the disease i have) . 8/10

david byrne/brian eno 12" - how exciting ...bootleg mixes of some classic tunes of the mighty duos groundbreaking 1981 album , 'my life in the bush of ghosts' . i love these 2 old fruits . they have funny eyes and dance funny. ....the label says 'edits by mr k'.........are we to believe this is francois kevorkian dropping the scientific-electro-disco-boogie-dancehall shit all over these monsters ..? i dont think so....it appears to sound like it may be mr kipling eating some exceedingly good (chris morris) cakes .its all funky enuff...and to misquote mixmag or wotever...'it would work well on the right dancefloor' . 6/10

bill haley lp - my mate had this album when i was growing up . so , again, i know this shit. i was rocknroll/rockabilly obsessive aged 15 . bill's music is great . its pure . no bullshit . now of course it sounds like limp , teenage fuelled fun . but thats the joy of it . this is a musical world that existed before teen angst had been invented. bill was yer friendly ,goofy eyed uncle who helped lead the punk rock explosion called 'rock n roll'. it has the brillaint '13 women' on it . and the drumming comet deserves a grammy for his skinwork. well played billy boy.9/10

duran duran lp - white cover , simple logo , poncey picture . oh yes kids , youve got it ..its the debut album . it sounds really slick still . 'planet earth' , 'girls on film' ....and some others. all sounds flamboyant and amazing still . i met john , nick and roger in a shopping centre in pretoria in 1983. i was never a duran fan , but had been close to buying this record for last while ..i saw it cheap ...so wahey....come back nick, simon, john, roger and thingy...come back and live in my house for a while. 7/10

the futureheads/bloc party 10" - i was in borders bookstore the other day and saw a big mag with lots of nice drawings on the front of famous musos - john bonham etc...it looked nice....i picked it up.....and fuck me - it has a beautifully designed 10" picture disc glued to it. i care not a fuckin jot who is on the record by this stage ..i am buying this shit whatever it is. the record has 2 'moderns' on it . i dont have records by either - but luckily its remixes...mr shy child takes on the fheads to ok effect.its autechreish but in a friendly way ...you can still hear the men sing. the bparty boys are remixed by black strobe - i like the strobemen...they do their usual stylish electro housey stuff. more music for fashion weeks and wankers. the mag is called 'T#2 BEAT SPECIAL' - its a fuckin mag that transpires is sponsored by Tennents ......fuck me......i could rant forever on that one........but........ deep breathing............and relax. nice disc.5/10.

so im off to crawl back into my cupboard.

now playing - hammer house of horror tv series.

lists lists ...its all the same to me

so , now is the time when we re all meant to list our top things of the year.
my problem is ..i dont remember jack of what ive seen , done , listened to etc.....just know that i had some killer nights out and prbably laughed a lot en route.

i like music a lot but get wildly infuriated by end of year lists.

in uk if you read nme it will be predicatble pile of pish for youngsters.......or as it is in my case, my middle aged mates pretending to like offerings from the 'kids' bands - black party,frank ferdinand,spunky munkies,deaf from above 1999........or wotever theyre called..............theyre just a bloody pile of regurgetated pish from late 70s new wave or .....theyre just plain shite . point is nme list is incorrect . period .nme didnt use to be like this. 1983 xmas double bumper nme edition had a great selection and also had a great pic of ric 'wik' mayall from young ones on a crucifix (cant remember if that was on the front cover - or around the page 20 mark - its troubling me..).........well thats nme . save yer 6 quid and dont buy it . track downthe 1983 xmas edition on ebay intead .1983 lists will consist of bands that sound just like the bands you LAAARVE now anyway.

then we have the clever lists....uncut / mojo / guardian....etc etc........
these are publications for men who readily admit to their male friends at crying at the end of 'the shawshank redemption'........
the lists reflects their bed wetting capacity ...
number 1 will be neil young or some other 60s child (provided they realeased an album this year) . said album will have been revered across the board in press as ...'hey it sounds just like his early 70's wall of sound , technicolour pop output'...........sorry dude ..it fuckin doesnt. the 70s were the 70s for a good reason............and hallebleedinluljah...the reason is...ANALOGUE .
so , thats right - neil/jerry/johnny/bruce/bob/paul....yer new '70s soundin great album' is in fact shite.....it will have some bad synth sounds that you will have let past in production process because ,brian the chemical brother (essential guest production team with modern cred) told you they were cool ..and also, you are too old to know wot a good synth sound actually sounds like ..........dont start me............. so yeah thats #1.
nuber 2 is a pop filled album sounding like something from the 60s or 70s - the magic numbers etc..............and my god i couldnt believe it when i heard them . just shite. just some drums,guitars and singig. not the 18 pieced spiritual , choral , nose-flute ethnic goup i was lead to believe. they are fat indie kids that you ried to avoid at the indie disko whilst swishin about to 'def con 1'............
the remaining #3 - #50 will be made up of ...
more jingly jangly , acoustic 'song' based music ...
a token black album from hip hop realm . it will have amazing 'social insight' . it will be the hip hop album that the headz go ..'oh yeah that pop shite' to .
there will also be an 'authentic' blues album by a yank with triple barreled name who had previously been playin 'big al's jambalaya shack' in buttfuck,mississippi......until he was 'discovered'........
also, a 'world' music album..........
and lets not forget......the dance album . this will be a mainstream choice , whilst the real dancers are freakin to the latest shit on kompakt ....the broadsheet mojo mutoid will still be dancing to the chemical brothers or the best of leftfield.............

so , yeah bring em on.i love lists...............but only thru a blindfold.

now playing - holby city